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Chilly evening
Nov. 10th, 2023 04:34 pmWork was bad today. It was ok in the morning, but then there was less to do. Well, not less, but I’m wasn’t going to do it. I’m tired of always being the one that rushes and goes above and beyond. I’m not in charge, but I always end up doing the most. So I had a private rebellion today and refused to do it. Let him do the first bit and I check. Especially since if I do it first, he never actually checks it, so I might as well not. He didn’t even notice that I wasn’t doing it. Or he did but didn’t say anything.
I’ve been feeling really panicky recently. Like every word and conversation I have is bad and I say the wrong thing and I’m a bad person and everyone hates me. I keep telling myself it’s just my brain lying to me. I think people seem to enjoy my company while I’m there. I’ve got too high standards for myself. Yesterday the thought popped into my head that it was better when I didn’t talk, at least then I couldn’t say stupid things and mess everything up. I know that’s not healthy either, but it was a good insight. Now I just need to figure out how to push through it. I’ve been screaming silently all day. I had a little break down at lunch time and sobbed and accidentally screamed out loud a bit.
I’ve got football tonight though, so I’m going to try my hardest and push and use the physical exercise to hopefully shake my brain right, or at least give me a bit of a break. I love playing football, it’s made me realise how much I’ve missed it. Both the exercise and the team camaraderie. My socialising there isn’t making me too anxious either. It’s just small talk, and it’s usually if I talk about something I care about that I beat myself up afterwards, but it’s still good for me I think to have some positive socialisation.
I’ve been feeling really panicky recently. Like every word and conversation I have is bad and I say the wrong thing and I’m a bad person and everyone hates me. I keep telling myself it’s just my brain lying to me. I think people seem to enjoy my company while I’m there. I’ve got too high standards for myself. Yesterday the thought popped into my head that it was better when I didn’t talk, at least then I couldn’t say stupid things and mess everything up. I know that’s not healthy either, but it was a good insight. Now I just need to figure out how to push through it. I’ve been screaming silently all day. I had a little break down at lunch time and sobbed and accidentally screamed out loud a bit.
I’ve got football tonight though, so I’m going to try my hardest and push and use the physical exercise to hopefully shake my brain right, or at least give me a bit of a break. I love playing football, it’s made me realise how much I’ve missed it. Both the exercise and the team camaraderie. My socialising there isn’t making me too anxious either. It’s just small talk, and it’s usually if I talk about something I care about that I beat myself up afterwards, but it’s still good for me I think to have some positive socialisation.
