icanbeanyoneelse

I went for a run tonight, and I was surprised that I managed a sustained jog for the first few minutes, even on an uphill. I also added in a couple of sprints later on. I was tracking it on Strava, and I went almost double the distance of my last run a month ago, and managed it in almost the same time. I was so surprised that in a month with just football training and a few minutes in matches that I’ve improved that much. Especially since I’ve been feeling in training how much weaker I am than my teammates. I’m going to try to do a couple of runs a week, and hopefully see the improvement week on week. I want to be able to contribute more in football, and get back to what it used to feel like, the thrill of rushing around, and frustrating the offence.

Work was bad today. It was ok in the morning, but then there was less to do. Well, not less, but I’m wasn’t going to do it. I’m tired of always being the one that rushes and goes above and beyond. I’m not in charge, but I always end up doing the most. So I had a private rebellion today and refused to do it. Let him do the first bit and I check. Especially since if I do it first, he never actually checks it, so I might as well not. He didn’t even notice that I wasn’t doing it. Or he did but didn’t say anything.
I’ve been feeling really panicky recently. Like every word and conversation I have is bad and I say the wrong thing and I’m a bad person and everyone hates me. I keep telling myself it’s just my brain lying to me. I think people seem to enjoy my company while I’m there. I’ve got too high standards for myself. Yesterday the thought popped into my head that it was better when I didn’t talk, at least then I couldn’t say stupid things and mess everything up. I know that’s not healthy either, but it was a good insight. Now I just need to figure out how to push through it. I’ve been screaming silently all day. I had a little break down at lunch time and sobbed and accidentally screamed out loud a bit.
I’ve got football tonight though, so I’m going to try my hardest and push and use the physical exercise to hopefully shake my brain right, or at least give me a bit of a break. I love playing football, it’s made me realise how much I’ve missed it. Both the exercise and the team camaraderie. My socialising there isn’t making me too anxious either. It’s just small talk, and it’s usually if I talk about something I care about that I beat myself up afterwards, but it’s still good for me I think to have some positive socialisation.